Side-note: I'm pretty impressed that I got this far before missing one post...so hush.
I'll start off by saying I am a relationship person. Being with one person, monogamously, for the rest of my life does not worry, scare, bore, or intimidate me in the slightest. In fact, I want that very much. That being said, I've had relationships that have lasted two months up to two years. When you think about that, two years is not very significant to a lot of people, but alas...those have been my longest.
I have been the dumper and I have been the dumpee...both more than once and each break-up, whether I enacted it or not, has left its mark. I have regretting breaking up with some, gone back to former boyfriends, broken up again, left a relationship feeling completely free like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, and been completely devastated. All of the feels. Sometimes it takes days to get past it, sometimes months, and sometimes it's never completely out of my system.
It's interesting how relationships can make you feel the best you have ever felt and how their end can make you feel the lowest you've ever felt. There's a billion dollar industry surrounding break-ups. Books, counselors, conferences, workshops, websites. People desperate to make some sense out of the chaos. I'm not ashamed to admit that I have read some of those books. Usually, a well-meaning friend will suggest one of these books. Some of them are complete crap and some of them are actually pretty helpful. All of them are pretty fluffy, assuring you that you are an amazing person who will assuredly meet the perfect person for you...you just can't give up! Blech.
There are few life events that will force perspective on you faster than a break-up. No matter what side of it you're on...but more so when you've been dumped. I have had 3, what I deem, "significant" relationships (a year at least) all of them ended poorly. Each for different reasons and each with differing...let's call them..."side-effects" on my life.
I am by no means perfect. I have definitely made my fair share of mistakes in each relationship that I've had...non-romantic ones included. I am, however, the type of person who will always want to work to make things better in a relationship. I don't have an idyllic view of relationships being perfect and always sunshine and rainbows (not a gay reference). I realize the amount of work it takes to make it work. The trick is finding someone who is not only worth the effort, but willing to make the effort as well.
There was a while there that I questioned the reality of a relationship between two men even working on the long-term. Certainly nobody I knew had made it very far and the vast majority of the gay men I knew were either not remotely interested in a real relationship or incapable of any semblance of an actual partnership. Then I moved to DC and met several lovely couples that gave me a different perspective. I have learned a lot in the past several years in the vein of to each his own. I used to be very judgmental of people's decisions regarding their relationships...projecting what I wanted and what would work for me onto them and how they functioned. I've grown out of that.
One of the interesting side-effects of going through a break-up is realizing how strong / weak / important / or superficial some of your friendships are. Nobody likes to be that person caught-up in the middle of two friends parting ways...but some people are much better at navigating it than others. It's also very illuminating to see how your friends think you should be handling your break-up. "Are you still sad about that?" "Shouldn't you be over that by now?" "Just move-on" are all things I've heard over the past decade or so. One of the most simple, but also one of the best pieces of advice I've gotten from a friend after a break-up was "Don't ever apologize for or let others tell you how you should be feeling" This particular piece of advice couldn't have been delivered at a more perfect time for me and it has really stuck with me. It applies to much more than just relationships as well.
The biggest side-effect from break-ups for me is the blow to my self-confidence. Particularly if the break-up was unexpected. You start to analyze every word you've said, every action or inaction you made. Sometimes you see things that you could have done differently or better. It's dangerous to get caught up in that cycle of combing through each thing you or your partner did. Placing blame on them or yourself or external factors...it all comes down to trying to make sense out of it all. And sometimes it just doesn't make sense and you won't find that. Bouncing back is hard. Putting yourself out there for another person with the potential of going through all of that hurt again is hard. You know that whole cliche of "It's better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all"? Sometimes I question the validity of that statement. While each of my relationships...long and short...have given me some of the best and happiest memories of my life, there have been some that have given me some of the lowest moments, making me question if it was worth it in the first place.
BLAH BLAH BLAH...this is why I was going back and forth on whether or not to write this post because I know some of the folks who are reading this and I know people are going to infer certain things from the words...and I'm really not trying to start all of that. Just reflecting =)
All in all...as I turn thirty, I get increasingly tired of the game that we're all caught up in. Wouldn't it be nice if when you met someone that you were interested in or that showed interest in you that the first conversation you had was "Here are all of my flaws and weird stuff and things you may want to look out for" and then you can move on from there? Well, one of my goals as I enter my third decade is to not filter as much and be as up front as I can. It's sure to create a lot of difficult and awkward conversations...but life's too short...or something. Let's see how it goes. Blerg.
For now...I'm OK with being Liz Lemon:
BYEEEE!
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